Recognizing Sexual Harassment and Related Abuse in Your Ministry
The #MeToo and #ChurchToo movements brought greater awareness to the mistreatment that has hurt so many for too long but has often been overlooked or hidden. In the years since, countless reports of sexual harassment and other sex-related abuse in the workplace have come to light. Tragically, these ways of hurting others also happen within our churches and other ministries. While consistent news coverage and highly subscribed podcasts have created an imperative to prevent harassment and abuse, we can still face challenges recognizing and acknowledging these harmful behaviors — particularly when the situation feels like a potential “gray area” or involves people we know.
Discerning when behavior crosses from appropriate to hurtful, or from borderline to abusive, can be especially challenging in a ministry setting for these reasons:
Because we rightly expect to feel safe and cared for in our ministry, it can take us longer to understand or admit that this safety and care is not happening.
We fear drawing conclusions that might disparage or otherwise harm the ministry, its leaders, or their families.
We tend to be part of a complicated web of ministry relationships, in which our prayer partner, supervisor, pastor, and brother-in-law are all the same person. Our children play with the elder’s kids, and our small group leader is also our dentist. (You get the idea.)
We believe in sin, but have a harder time accepting that people we respect and care about would sin in certain specific ways.
The real-life behavior we observe or experience might not match the clearly egregious harassment and abuse exposed in the media, or the implausible behavior typically portrayed in generic workplace training videos.
What might sexual harassment or other abuse look like in a ministry context, beyond the most obvious or overt scenarios? In my role as a ministry consultant, I tend to see certain categories of harmful behavior, including:
Repeated, unwelcome initiation of a romantic relationship. Many of us know a long-married couple who first started dating after one of them persistently pursued the other over a period of weeks or even years. This may even be your story. Even so, for every couple for whom this pursuit leads to a healthy 30-year marriage, there are many for whom unwanted romantic attention in the form of repeated requests for dates, excessive compliments, and constant contact by text and social media instead leads to anxiety, frustration, or simply an inability to serve together in ministry.
Unwelcome hugs or other “friendly” touch. Every church has at least a few “huggers,” and I’m not judging them. For many of us, the ability to give and receive warm affection, at least with certain friends, is part of what makes our church feel like a family. The right touch can show care and bring healing to others. That said, touch that is unwelcome, unreciprocated, or simply “too much” in the context of the relationship and/or the situation can have the opposite effect and bring fear, anger, or pain.
The misuse of power to create or maintain an emotionally intimate relationship. Pastors, ministry directors, and others with spiritual and/or supervisory authority frequently work closely with women and men (often single and/or younger than the leader), relying on their energy and availability to meet ministry challenges. In turn, these assistants, interns, and volunteers tend to look to the leader for spiritual or even “parental” guidance and often trust the leader with their most personal concerns. Moreover, while home life and ministry demands can be sources of stress and inadequacy for the leader, relationships with those under the leader’s authority offer comparatively uncomplicated encouragement and support.
Under these circumstances, some leaders misuse people under their authority not only to keep the ministry running, but also to meet the leader’s own emotional needs, through the seeking of affirmation, inappropriate personal sharing (including about the leader’s marriage), emotional or spiritual manipulation, and sometimes physical touch, ranging from hugs and shoulder rubs to sexual contact. Depending on the details, this misuse of power can be understood as one or more forms of abuse (spiritual, emotional, sexual) and/or as sexual harassment. This violation of the trust and promises inherent in a leader’s role not only deeply impacts the ministry and the families of those involved, but can cause lifelong harm to the faith and well-being of those who are misused.
While awareness is an important starting point, ministries must also take steps to protect their people from these harmful behaviors and to respond well if they occur. For more information or to get started, I suggest seeking support from a subject matter expert or viewing the webinar “Bad Things Can Happen to Good Churches,” sponsored by Auxilio.
In future installments, I will address specific concerns in the ministry workplace and how to respond appropriately and with care.
Melanie Acevedo is a consultant and trainer who provides practical guidance and personalized support to ministries who seek to prevent and respond appropriately to sexual harassment, spiritual abuse, misconduct, and other concerns involving ministry staff and leadership. She can be contacted at melanie@mdacevedo.com or through mdacevedo.com, where ministries can access resources, subscribe to her newsletter, or request a free 30-minute consultation.
The opinions and/or recommendations expressed by guest authors are their own, and though guest authors are writing at the request of Auxilio, their recommendations may not always reflect the recommendations of Auxilio Partners.