Listening Well to a Disclosure of Hurt in a Ministry Environment

My previous post for Auxilio, Recognizing Sexual Harassment and Related Abuse In Your Ministry, addressed three categories of harmful treatment I tend to see among adults in church and ministry. These behaviors – unwanted romantic attention, unwelcome touch, and the abuse of power to establish emotional intimacy – can cause tremendous pain and anxiety. An effective, compassionate response by your ministry starts with listening well when the concern is first raised.

Every situation is different. Even so, attention to the following principles can help you respond with both care and wisdom.

1. Start by considering how it might feel to disclose. The person confiding in you may be experiencing a complicated mix of emotions, including:

• Humiliation and shame.

• Self-blame.

• The belief that family and friends will never be supportive, even if they are or would be.

• Anger.

• Denial of the severity of what happened.

• Fearful for his or her job, ministry position, or relationship with others.

• Fearful of making a problem out of nothing, or that others will perceive the complaint that way.

• Fearful of retaliation from the accused or others.

• Fearful that he or she will not be taken seriously.

• Fearful of harming the ministry, its leaders, or their families.

2.  Listen more, speak less. For many of us (me included), this approach is counterintuitive. We want to be an encouragement and a problem-solver for others. Unfortunately, our efforts to do this — while well-intended — can make things more difficult for those experiencing hurt. Here are some helpful “don’ts.”

• Don’t interrogate. Ask a few basic questions if you need to understand what has happened or learn if the person reporting is safe. But keep in mind that even your well-meaning questions can feel like an investigation or cross-examination. Focus on listening.

• Don’t minimize the concern, even if you think it’s minimal. Don’t say, “At least she or he didn’t …”  While this comment may be intended to encourage, your friend needs to know that his or her hurt matters. Moreover, there could be much more to the story than you realize.

• Don’t tell your own story of harassment or abuse. This is not about you, or any comparison between your story and the disclosure.

• Don’t make any promises about the final outcome of the complaint, even if you may have a role in resolving it. 

3. Take safety seriously. If the person reporting expresses feeling unsafe or if it seems like he or she could be in danger (even if you are not sure), help the person reporting take steps to be safe while the situation is addressed. In the most severe situations, this could mean securing a temporary place to stay or bringing the concern immediately to law enforcement.

4. If you lack the authority to resolve the situation, make sure it is promptly conveyed to the person or committee who can take action. If the situation has not been reported to someone with the authority to address it (typically, an HR director, pastor, or church leadership), you can encourage the victim to do so. Volunteer to be there as a support. Reporting the situation yourself, even if contrary to the victim’s wishes, is difficult but may be necessary to ensure the victim’s safety, the safety of others, and the health of your ministry. If your organization has a written policy on reporting harassment or abuse, start there and do what that policy says.

Beyond planning to listen well, you can take concrete steps now to implement a thoughtful, effective response process for your ministry. Learn more about these steps by viewing our May webinar and seeking support from a consultant or other subject matter expert.

Melanie Acevedo is a consultant and trainer who provides practical guidance and personalized support to ministries who seek to prevent and respond appropriately to sexual harassment, spiritual abuse, misconduct, and other concerns involving ministry staff and leadership. She can be contacted at melanie@mdacevedo.com  or through mdacevedo.com, where ministries can access resources, subscribe to her newsletter, or request a free 30-minute consultation.

The opinions and/or recommendations expressed by guest authors are their own, and though guest authors are writing at the request of Auxilio, their recommendations may not always reflect the recommendations of Auxilio Partners.